Enter Encouraging Quote Here.

Like I’ve emphasized a million times before, I want this blog to be as open and as raw as it can be. I want people to be able to read my blog and know that there are no hidden messages or underlying purposes, other than me expressing myself and my life. For many of you, it may seem absurd and almost ridiculous but ever since I was little, all I ever wanted to do is express. Whether it was through painting, writing, or simply speaking, I’ve always been open. I don’t know why. I guess it’s who I am.

Moving on, part of being open isn’t only about sharing your good times but it’s also about sharing your bad times.

Honestly, today is the first completely sober day in the past week or so. I don’t really know what triggered me to smoke but I do know that I felt off and lonely. Lately, I’ve felt so distant from everything. I feel like I’m great at zooming out, looking at the entire picture, and understanding people even if I have no experience in what they’re going through. And I’m thankful that I have that ability but at the same time, I feel extremely lonely.

I think more than a regular seventeen year-old should think. (That’s probably why I have so many grey hairs) I actually think so much that a lot of times, I forget to enjoy life and I think that’s what separates me from people my age. Almost in a sense, I would say that it’s hard for me to click with people because I am so different and more mature in my thought process. Yes, you read right. I did just say that I am more mature in my thought process. I’m not going to sit here and say that I am mature because I’m not. Many times, my actions are very immature and that’s something I still have to work on. But what, I am saying is that I am mature in my thought process. Most of you guys probably don’t understand and that’s what I mean when I say I feel lonely.

For last month, I’ve been hanging out with my mentors and older people in general and when I talk to them, we click. They understand my thoughts and what I’m saying and I understand their thoughts and what they are saying but at the same time, they are in college meaning they don’t know and understand what high school is like now days. No matter how much we click and understand each other, we will never fully click because of the age difference. People my age don’t really understand the way I think and most of them are so stubborn or simply ignorant to thinking as deep and as much as I think, which is fine. I realize that most regular normal teenagers want to have fun and don’t really want to think as much. On the other hand, I am the exact opposite. I actually find joy in thinking. All that said I am somewhat lonely but I have friends and I love them to death. But it’s a different kind of loneliness, deeper than physical or emotional companionship. I can’t even explain it that well.

Other than that, I realize that I’m still holding on to certain things. There are still chains and bonds of this world that I haven’t been able to let go of, mainly because I don’t know how and also because I don’t want to. To be completely honest, I wish there was a way for me to still be able to smoke weed and be a good Christian but at some point, you have to choose. Will you take the blue pill or the red pill?

I think it’s not so much about choosing God’s way of life but more about sticking to it. Honestly, I’ve experienced a lot of crazy things that I know are divine and not coincidental. I’ve heard so many crazy stories that I know are true but do I really believe? I know God is real but do I fully believe it? I think for many of us, we somewhat know that God is real. Whether, we experienced a miracle, witnessed a miracle, or simply felt God’s presence, we know God is real but we don’t believe it. There is such a big difference in knowing something and believing it. Knowledge only makes you wiser but belief will change you. I think it’s completely ok and normal to doubt God. I mean if I’m going to devote my life to an invisible man, I better know and fully belief that he is real.

Love All,

GhanDEEP