Like I’ve emphasized a million times before, I want this blog to be as open and as raw as it can be. I want people to be able to read my blog and know that there are no hidden messages or underlying purposes, other than me expressing myself and my life. For many of you, it may seem absurd and almost ridiculous but ever since I was little, all I ever wanted to do is express. Whether it was through painting, writing, or simply speaking, I’ve always been open. I don’t know why. I guess it’s who I am.
Moving on, part of being open isn’t only about sharing your good times but it’s also about sharing your bad times.
Honestly, today is the first completely sober day in the past week or so. I don’t really know what triggered me to smoke but I do know that I felt off and lonely. Lately, I’ve felt so distant from everything. I feel like I’m great at zooming out, looking at the entire picture, and understanding people even if I have no experience in what they’re going through. And I’m thankful that I have that ability but at the same time, I feel extremely lonely.
I think more than a regular seventeen year-old should think. (That’s probably why I have so many grey hairs) I actually think so much that a lot of times, I forget to enjoy life and I think that’s what separates me from people my age. Almost in a sense, I would say that it’s hard for me to click with people because I am so different and more mature in my thought process. Yes, you read right. I did just say that I am more mature in my thought process. I’m not going to sit here and say that I am mature because I’m not. Many times, my actions are very immature and that’s something I still have to work on. But what, I am saying is that I am mature in my thought process. Most of you guys probably don’t understand and that’s what I mean when I say I feel lonely.
For last month, I’ve been hanging out with my mentors and older people in general and when I talk to them, we click. They understand my thoughts and what I’m saying and I understand their thoughts and what they are saying but at the same time, they are in college meaning they don’t know and understand what high school is like now days. No matter how much we click and understand each other, we will never fully click because of the age difference. People my age don’t really understand the way I think and most of them are so stubborn or simply ignorant to thinking as deep and as much as I think, which is fine. I realize that most regular normal teenagers want to have fun and don’t really want to think as much. On the other hand, I am the exact opposite. I actually find joy in thinking. All that said I am somewhat lonely but I have friends and I love them to death. But it’s a different kind of loneliness, deeper than physical or emotional companionship. I can’t even explain it that well.
Other than that, I realize that I’m still holding on to certain things. There are still chains and bonds of this world that I haven’t been able to let go of, mainly because I don’t know how and also because I don’t want to. To be completely honest, I wish there was a way for me to still be able to smoke weed and be a good Christian but at some point, you have to choose. Will you take the blue pill or the red pill?
I think it’s not so much about choosing God’s way of life but more about sticking to it. Honestly, I’ve experienced a lot of crazy things that I know are divine and not coincidental. I’ve heard so many crazy stories that I know are true but do I really believe? I know God is real but do I fully believe it? I think for many of us, we somewhat know that God is real. Whether, we experienced a miracle, witnessed a miracle, or simply felt God’s presence, we know God is real but we don’t believe it. There is such a big difference in knowing something and believing it. Knowledge only makes you wiser but belief will change you. I think it’s completely ok and normal to doubt God. I mean if I’m going to devote my life to an invisible man, I better know and fully belief that he is real.
Love All,
GhanDEEP
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
Friday, March 5, 2010
The Secret Recipe for Change
Hello my dear readers,
Two nights ago, I stayed up till two in the morning, praying and weeping to the lord (Yes, I like to cry) because this walk is extremely hard. But don’t get it twisted. This walk is definitely worth it. It’s similar to working out. It takes time, hard work, and perseverance. Just like lifting weights, you have to push yourself or you won’t see any growth but no doubt, the big muscles are worth it. In a spiritual sense, I was fatigued. An entire day of battling the enemy will do that to you, so I gave my burden to the lord and asked for encouragement. Funny thing is; he gave it to me.
As I was sitting in the cafeteria in the morning before school, one my sisters walked up and randomly handed me a note. It was nicely folded up and well-written. When I opened it up and read it, I instantly felt so much better. It was basically a note of encouragement. It’s funny how I prayed for encouragement the night before.
As the day continued, I begin think what is God?
For so many of us, we think God is an authoritarian or a teacher so we try to impress him. We try to “be good” and “be holy” so that he will love us and accept us. We try to perform for him and in return, receive his blessings but that’s not who God is. I know for a lot of us, it’s hard to change our mindset on God because especially because in Korean culture, we have “perform” for love and sadly, we carry that same mindset into our relationship with the lord. I’ll be the first say, that I was guilty of it. In the beginning times of my walk, I tried so hard to “perform” for him. When in reality, I didn’t have to do anything. He loved when I was praising him and he loved me when I smoking. Where can you find that kind of love?
I begin to break it down further and I realized God is not a teacher. He is not an authoritarian. He is not a friend. He is not a father. He is not a savior. He’s none of these things. First and foremost God is love, meaning he is whatever you need him to be. Notice this; whatever you NEED him to be, not whatever you WANT him to be. Maybe God is distant in your life, or maybe God is being unfair and disciplining you but he’s doing whatever he’s doing because you need it. You may not want but you definitely need it. Who better to trust than the guy who created you? Who better to trust than the guy who loves you?
And since we are all broken and damaged, we NEED a father, we NEED a savior, we NEED a friend, we NEED an authoritarian, and we NEED a teacher so therefore, and God is all of those things. But again, first and foremost God is love. He does what he does because he loves you and he knows it’s best for you.
So lately, I’ve been receiving so many positive comments about my blog and how encouraging it is. But I want to reinforce that’s not about me. It’s not about my personal glory but rather, it’s about me being real and raw, and whether it impacts you positively or negatively doesn’t matter to me, whether you choose to believe in it doesn’t matter to me, but what does matter is that you guys find God in your own life. You guys may read these blog entries and be touched and encouraged but honestly, it means nothing unless you go out and search for God yourself. You read it and are encouraged for a couple hours and then continue living the life that you’ve been living, which I won’t judge but there’s more to life than the superficial worldly ways. If you want real change in your life, it won’t happen by reading my blogs. It will only happen through God.
How many of us are sick of everyday living? How many us are sick of this “fucked up” world? How many of us are sick of the injustice in this world? How many us are sick of this bullshit?
I know I am, but complaining doesn’t change anything. It just makes the world a more unpleasant place to live in. We have shut up and do something about it. We have to change the tide. We have to change the world.
I know how you feel. It’s hard. It’s difficult. But trust me, when you come to lord, you’ll be able to do things you never imagined yourself doing. Trust me, the tide can be turned-All you need is a pinch of faith, a sprinkle of hope, and a whole lot of Jesus.
Don't worry. God doesn't ask you to sacrifice everything at first. Just like in a real relationship with a real person, you build on love and trust and from there, the sacrifices naturally come because of the overflow of LOVE. You don't believe me? Try it out.
All Glory to the Lord-my savior, my king, my father, my everything
Love All,
GhanDEEP
Two nights ago, I stayed up till two in the morning, praying and weeping to the lord (Yes, I like to cry) because this walk is extremely hard. But don’t get it twisted. This walk is definitely worth it. It’s similar to working out. It takes time, hard work, and perseverance. Just like lifting weights, you have to push yourself or you won’t see any growth but no doubt, the big muscles are worth it. In a spiritual sense, I was fatigued. An entire day of battling the enemy will do that to you, so I gave my burden to the lord and asked for encouragement. Funny thing is; he gave it to me.
As I was sitting in the cafeteria in the morning before school, one my sisters walked up and randomly handed me a note. It was nicely folded up and well-written. When I opened it up and read it, I instantly felt so much better. It was basically a note of encouragement. It’s funny how I prayed for encouragement the night before.
As the day continued, I begin think what is God?
For so many of us, we think God is an authoritarian or a teacher so we try to impress him. We try to “be good” and “be holy” so that he will love us and accept us. We try to perform for him and in return, receive his blessings but that’s not who God is. I know for a lot of us, it’s hard to change our mindset on God because especially because in Korean culture, we have “perform” for love and sadly, we carry that same mindset into our relationship with the lord. I’ll be the first say, that I was guilty of it. In the beginning times of my walk, I tried so hard to “perform” for him. When in reality, I didn’t have to do anything. He loved when I was praising him and he loved me when I smoking. Where can you find that kind of love?
I begin to break it down further and I realized God is not a teacher. He is not an authoritarian. He is not a friend. He is not a father. He is not a savior. He’s none of these things. First and foremost God is love, meaning he is whatever you need him to be. Notice this; whatever you NEED him to be, not whatever you WANT him to be. Maybe God is distant in your life, or maybe God is being unfair and disciplining you but he’s doing whatever he’s doing because you need it. You may not want but you definitely need it. Who better to trust than the guy who created you? Who better to trust than the guy who loves you?
And since we are all broken and damaged, we NEED a father, we NEED a savior, we NEED a friend, we NEED an authoritarian, and we NEED a teacher so therefore, and God is all of those things. But again, first and foremost God is love. He does what he does because he loves you and he knows it’s best for you.
So lately, I’ve been receiving so many positive comments about my blog and how encouraging it is. But I want to reinforce that’s not about me. It’s not about my personal glory but rather, it’s about me being real and raw, and whether it impacts you positively or negatively doesn’t matter to me, whether you choose to believe in it doesn’t matter to me, but what does matter is that you guys find God in your own life. You guys may read these blog entries and be touched and encouraged but honestly, it means nothing unless you go out and search for God yourself. You read it and are encouraged for a couple hours and then continue living the life that you’ve been living, which I won’t judge but there’s more to life than the superficial worldly ways. If you want real change in your life, it won’t happen by reading my blogs. It will only happen through God.
How many of us are sick of everyday living? How many us are sick of this “fucked up” world? How many of us are sick of the injustice in this world? How many us are sick of this bullshit?
I know I am, but complaining doesn’t change anything. It just makes the world a more unpleasant place to live in. We have shut up and do something about it. We have to change the tide. We have to change the world.
I know how you feel. It’s hard. It’s difficult. But trust me, when you come to lord, you’ll be able to do things you never imagined yourself doing. Trust me, the tide can be turned-All you need is a pinch of faith, a sprinkle of hope, and a whole lot of Jesus.
Don't worry. God doesn't ask you to sacrifice everything at first. Just like in a real relationship with a real person, you build on love and trust and from there, the sacrifices naturally come because of the overflow of LOVE. You don't believe me? Try it out.
All Glory to the Lord-my savior, my king, my father, my everything
Love All,
GhanDEEP
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Blessed
Before I even begin sharing about my day, I want to let the readers know that I’m going to try my best to update as often as I can. Not because I want the public to view me in a certain way, but so I can share my life and be as honest as I can, in hopes that people would relate or be encouraged. And even before that, updating and writing about my day reminds me to constantly reflect on my life and sharing is a part of who I am. This is how God made me and I am not ashamed. My dream is that I will be able to be completely one hundred percent honest, and that this blog would honestly reflect my life. I don’t want it to be a “Christian” blog or a “preaching” blog because I’m not a preacher or special spiritual guru. I’m just another average 17 year-old teenager. If blog does seem like a “Christian” blog it’s because I am Christian and it makes me who I am.
Moving on, today was an average day filled with an extraordinary joy. I went through the same old routine-go to school, come home, and go to the gym. In fact, I actually desired to smoke today but my desires are getting a lot better. Before I would smoke to numb the pain and suffering, but now I only smoke for fun. There are only four things to do in Georgia-eat, sleep, play basketball, and play video games (all of which are more fun when you’re high). But fortunately through God’s love, I wasn’t able to smoke. I didn’t realize till I got home but God is always looking out for me. He knows the desires of my heart and how badly I want to quit. Sadly, I may be the first person addicted to marijuana but I’m definitely sick of the hypocrisy. I’m sick of writing blogs, and going to church then finding myself smoking the next day. God knows this but he also knows that I can’t quit alone. Today, he protected me and helped me take one step closer to quitting. I am blessed.
This got me thinking. How many other things has God done for me?
So many times, in our own little world, we complain and cry over the smallest things. I know I’m guilty of being a whiner but let’s zoom out and look outside our little boxes. Are we not all blessed?
I know that it’s easy for me to say that because I do live in a country club, where a dollar is worth a penny. And I know that, other kids my age have to work where as I am spoiled and money is given to me but that’s why I have so much respect for teens who make their own money, even if they do it illegally. But what did we do to be born the in our context? We live in the United States, the land of the free. People all over the world would die to live here but why do we get to be live here? We could have easily been born in North Korea or Africa and suffered so much more. Did we do anything as fetuses to be this lucky? And even deeper, what did we do to receive life? Why should God let us breathe?
Today, I once again realized that I am blessed.
My prayer is that, this perspective to life would continue and not only be a joyful emotion but also be a way of life.
Love All,
GhanDEEP
Moving on, today was an average day filled with an extraordinary joy. I went through the same old routine-go to school, come home, and go to the gym. In fact, I actually desired to smoke today but my desires are getting a lot better. Before I would smoke to numb the pain and suffering, but now I only smoke for fun. There are only four things to do in Georgia-eat, sleep, play basketball, and play video games (all of which are more fun when you’re high). But fortunately through God’s love, I wasn’t able to smoke. I didn’t realize till I got home but God is always looking out for me. He knows the desires of my heart and how badly I want to quit. Sadly, I may be the first person addicted to marijuana but I’m definitely sick of the hypocrisy. I’m sick of writing blogs, and going to church then finding myself smoking the next day. God knows this but he also knows that I can’t quit alone. Today, he protected me and helped me take one step closer to quitting. I am blessed.
This got me thinking. How many other things has God done for me?
So many times, in our own little world, we complain and cry over the smallest things. I know I’m guilty of being a whiner but let’s zoom out and look outside our little boxes. Are we not all blessed?
I know that it’s easy for me to say that because I do live in a country club, where a dollar is worth a penny. And I know that, other kids my age have to work where as I am spoiled and money is given to me but that’s why I have so much respect for teens who make their own money, even if they do it illegally. But what did we do to be born the in our context? We live in the United States, the land of the free. People all over the world would die to live here but why do we get to be live here? We could have easily been born in North Korea or Africa and suffered so much more. Did we do anything as fetuses to be this lucky? And even deeper, what did we do to receive life? Why should God let us breathe?
Today, I once again realized that I am blessed.
My prayer is that, this perspective to life would continue and not only be a joyful emotion but also be a way of life.
Love All,
GhanDEEP
Monday, March 1, 2010
Update.
Last week was a hard week for me. I fell into a lot of sin and what made it worse was the discouragement that came my way. In fact one of my friends actually got angry at me and another said, “Eric, you’re always on that quit tip.” (Referring to smoking weed) I don’t judge them for judging me but honestly, it didn’t feel good. Yet at the same time, how they reacted still spoke truth in my life and through that I realized something.
Yes, God’s love does allow me to stand in my own filth and hypocrisy and praise him, which I am so thankful for. But at the same time, does that justify sin? No.
I realized that I stretched the line of grace too far. In a place where I felt so loved and so comfortable even in my own filth, I manipulated grace. Because he doesn’t judge, I tricked myself into thinking that sin is ok. But Sunday night, someone told me, “Sin is the very thing your father died for.”
I’m not saying that you have to perfect and sinless to be with lord (no one can) but I think personally for me in my walk, I’m at a level of spirituality and experience where I need to give up these things. I’m also not saying that I’m going to be perfect. Who knows, I may even fall tomorrow or next day but just know that whatever happens, I’m always going to fight.
And finally, just know this: I know a lot of people look at me and see hypocrisy and “bullshit”. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect and I am a hypocrite. I still stand in my own filth and hypocrisy, with high arms praising the lord because his love allows me too. Yes, I still sin and yes, I still love the lord. Honestly, people can judge me all they want but someone wise told me, “You know you’re doing your thing when you got haters.” I don’t mind the judgment that comes my way. I understand. Honestly, if I was an outsider looking in, I’d probably do the same thing. My life is filled with a lot of hypocrisy and bullshit but instead of judging my every move, how about you take that time and search for God yourself? (I promise it will be worth it.)
Ps: Life is awesome. Today, I was reflecting on my life and I wanted to cry. I am so blessed to live to where I live, to have the things that I have, and to be loved the way that I am loved. All glory to the lord :]
Love All,
GhanDEEP
Yes, God’s love does allow me to stand in my own filth and hypocrisy and praise him, which I am so thankful for. But at the same time, does that justify sin? No.
I realized that I stretched the line of grace too far. In a place where I felt so loved and so comfortable even in my own filth, I manipulated grace. Because he doesn’t judge, I tricked myself into thinking that sin is ok. But Sunday night, someone told me, “Sin is the very thing your father died for.”
I’m not saying that you have to perfect and sinless to be with lord (no one can) but I think personally for me in my walk, I’m at a level of spirituality and experience where I need to give up these things. I’m also not saying that I’m going to be perfect. Who knows, I may even fall tomorrow or next day but just know that whatever happens, I’m always going to fight.
And finally, just know this: I know a lot of people look at me and see hypocrisy and “bullshit”. I’ll be the first to admit that I’m not perfect and I am a hypocrite. I still stand in my own filth and hypocrisy, with high arms praising the lord because his love allows me too. Yes, I still sin and yes, I still love the lord. Honestly, people can judge me all they want but someone wise told me, “You know you’re doing your thing when you got haters.” I don’t mind the judgment that comes my way. I understand. Honestly, if I was an outsider looking in, I’d probably do the same thing. My life is filled with a lot of hypocrisy and bullshit but instead of judging my every move, how about you take that time and search for God yourself? (I promise it will be worth it.)
Ps: Life is awesome. Today, I was reflecting on my life and I wanted to cry. I am so blessed to live to where I live, to have the things that I have, and to be loved the way that I am loved. All glory to the lord :]
Love All,
GhanDEEP
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