THE ONE! aha

Hello my fellow readers thank you for actually taking the time out to read my long and complicated thoughts. It is greatly appreciated.

This blog goes out to one very special person. In a way it’s for me to tell that person I am truly sorry and truly understand my mistakes. I would also like to thank three of my brothers, two of them will remain unnamed but the other insists on receiving attention so thank you JOHN LEE. They are the masterminds behind this blog. They helped me realize a lot. They know who they are. :]

Last night I came home late from SAT tutor and decided to sleep early. Unlike the other nights, I closed my eyes and went to sleep with no moment of restlessness or insomnia- just pure deep sleep. For some reason my alarm clock rang at 5 a.m. Grumpy yet tired, I sluggishly walked over and turn off the alarm and went back to bed, in hopes of catching an extra hour of sleep before school. It was impossible. I found myself laying there restless and eyes glaring into the darkness. My mind went crazy thinking about the nights before. One night, one of my brothers had told me “Eric it’s not indifference its fear of failure.” (Speaking about why I had given up my junior year) It got me thinking. The truth is; fear dictates everyone’s life but I wondered “What is the one fear that is common to all humans?” I questioned and thought and soon enough asked another one of my brothers for his thoughts. He said that the fear of being sad is the one fear common to all people. In other words; life revolves around the pursuit of self happiness. I knew that these two thoughts were related but I couldn’t make the connection. Either way, the sun rose and it was time for school but my mood wasn’t right so I asked a close friend to skip. Instead, we decided to check out early.

The clock struck 11:20 and my palms were sweaty and my heart beat fast. It was my first time I was “cutting” class and I was terrified of getting caught. Eventually everything went right and I ended up in my room with a close friend of mine. We sat on the computer, bored to death, and looking at hot girls on facebook but somehow a deep conversation struck up.

Then it hit me. I was afraid of being a failure because I was afraid that nobody would accept me as a failure. I feared being a failure because I feared being lonely. I feared being lonely because ultimately I feared being sad. Whether it’s being around the girl I like or just hanging out with a new found acquaintance, being around people brings me joy. The thought of being alone kills me.

It all made sense. I was so insecure and self conscious because I always wanted to be accepted by all groups of people. I wanted to be loved by everyone so that’s why my image mattered so much to me. I wanted to be loved so that’s why I chased girl after girl. I wanted to be loved so that’s why I was “open” when in reality I feared the fact of revealing my inner diamond (a diamond of individuality that God blesses to each and every one of his children, all different yet all beautiful in their own ways). I wanted to be loved so that’s why I feared being a failure. Ultimately all of this leads to the pursuit of my happiness. Being loved and wanted brings me joy.

The truth is; everyone has their own “thing” that brings them joy and they pursue after that but it’s the fear of losing that “thing” that dictates our lives. In order words; we all pursue happiness but it’s the fear of being sad that controls our actions. For example, those who rely on materialistic things to bring them joy fear losing their goods so they work to become successful in order that losing these materials is not an option. They study hard and struggle through school, sometimes even sacrificing their own social life, all in hopes to never lose that one thing that brings them joy- their materialistic things. In my condition, I molded myself to become “likable” in all aspects in order that people will never reject me and will always remain by my side. I even went to give up on my future so that losing the one thing that brings me joy will never be an option.

I realized something though. These “things” in the world may provide us with joy now but it’s impossible to provide us with the same joy every time. We grow older and things don’t remain the same, they change making these joys only temporary. In my case, there will be a day where I will think about my image so much that I will lose my own true identity- the one diamond that god has blessed each and every one of us with. When day comes, nobody will ever want to be with me because I will be nothing without an identity and it’s guaranteed that a similar day will come for everyone- the day when your worldly joy stops providing you with joy.

You don’t believe me? Even facts support my statement. In 2000, suicide was the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. Truthfully 11th is not that bad but suicide deaths outnumber homicide deaths by five to three. There are also eight to twenty-five attempted suicides per every suicide death. The total number of suicide deaths was 29,350, that’s in one year alone. Let’s not forget those who contemplate suicide everyday but fear the existence of god which restricts them from actually attempting suicide. I also forgot to mention approximately 18.8 million American adults are affected by depressive disorders; this number does not include the hundreds of other nations and also does not include non adults. The facts prove it; if these worldly “things” can bring us eternal joy why on earth does suicide and depression exists, especially at such a high rate?

The solution is simple. Learn to find your joy in something that will last forever. Eternal joy rests in something greater than this world. It rests in the creator-God.

Love All,

GhanDEEP