Hello my fellow readers thank you for actually taking the time out to read my long and complicated thoughts. It is greatly appreciated.
This blog goes out to one very special person. In a way it’s for me to tell that person I am truly sorry and truly understand my mistakes. I would also like to thank three of my brothers, two of them will remain unnamed but the other insists on receiving attention so thank you JOHN LEE. They are the masterminds behind this blog. They helped me realize a lot. They know who they are. :]
Last night I came home late from SAT tutor and decided to sleep early. Unlike the other nights, I closed my eyes and went to sleep with no moment of restlessness or insomnia- just pure deep sleep. For some reason my alarm clock rang at 5 a.m. Grumpy yet tired, I sluggishly walked over and turn off the alarm and went back to bed, in hopes of catching an extra hour of sleep before school. It was impossible. I found myself laying there restless and eyes glaring into the darkness. My mind went crazy thinking about the nights before. One night, one of my brothers had told me “Eric it’s not indifference its fear of failure.” (Speaking about why I had given up my junior year) It got me thinking. The truth is; fear dictates everyone’s life but I wondered “What is the one fear that is common to all humans?” I questioned and thought and soon enough asked another one of my brothers for his thoughts. He said that the fear of being sad is the one fear common to all people. In other words; life revolves around the pursuit of self happiness. I knew that these two thoughts were related but I couldn’t make the connection. Either way, the sun rose and it was time for school but my mood wasn’t right so I asked a close friend to skip. Instead, we decided to check out early.
The clock struck 11:20 and my palms were sweaty and my heart beat fast. It was my first time I was “cutting” class and I was terrified of getting caught. Eventually everything went right and I ended up in my room with a close friend of mine. We sat on the computer, bored to death, and looking at hot girls on facebook but somehow a deep conversation struck up.
Then it hit me. I was afraid of being a failure because I was afraid that nobody would accept me as a failure. I feared being a failure because I feared being lonely. I feared being lonely because ultimately I feared being sad. Whether it’s being around the girl I like or just hanging out with a new found acquaintance, being around people brings me joy. The thought of being alone kills me.
It all made sense. I was so insecure and self conscious because I always wanted to be accepted by all groups of people. I wanted to be loved by everyone so that’s why my image mattered so much to me. I wanted to be loved so that’s why I chased girl after girl. I wanted to be loved so that’s why I was “open” when in reality I feared the fact of revealing my inner diamond (a diamond of individuality that God blesses to each and every one of his children, all different yet all beautiful in their own ways). I wanted to be loved so that’s why I feared being a failure. Ultimately all of this leads to the pursuit of my happiness. Being loved and wanted brings me joy.
The truth is; everyone has their own “thing” that brings them joy and they pursue after that but it’s the fear of losing that “thing” that dictates our lives. In order words; we all pursue happiness but it’s the fear of being sad that controls our actions. For example, those who rely on materialistic things to bring them joy fear losing their goods so they work to become successful in order that losing these materials is not an option. They study hard and struggle through school, sometimes even sacrificing their own social life, all in hopes to never lose that one thing that brings them joy- their materialistic things. In my condition, I molded myself to become “likable” in all aspects in order that people will never reject me and will always remain by my side. I even went to give up on my future so that losing the one thing that brings me joy will never be an option.
I realized something though. These “things” in the world may provide us with joy now but it’s impossible to provide us with the same joy every time. We grow older and things don’t remain the same, they change making these joys only temporary. In my case, there will be a day where I will think about my image so much that I will lose my own true identity- the one diamond that god has blessed each and every one of us with. When day comes, nobody will ever want to be with me because I will be nothing without an identity and it’s guaranteed that a similar day will come for everyone- the day when your worldly joy stops providing you with joy.
You don’t believe me? Even facts support my statement. In 2000, suicide was the 11th leading cause of death in the U.S. Truthfully 11th is not that bad but suicide deaths outnumber homicide deaths by five to three. There are also eight to twenty-five attempted suicides per every suicide death. The total number of suicide deaths was 29,350, that’s in one year alone. Let’s not forget those who contemplate suicide everyday but fear the existence of god which restricts them from actually attempting suicide. I also forgot to mention approximately 18.8 million American adults are affected by depressive disorders; this number does not include the hundreds of other nations and also does not include non adults. The facts prove it; if these worldly “things” can bring us eternal joy why on earth does suicide and depression exists, especially at such a high rate?
The solution is simple. Learn to find your joy in something that will last forever. Eternal joy rests in something greater than this world. It rests in the creator-God.
Love All,
GhanDEEP
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
The Element of Surprise
The night is almost over and the morning is close but something just hit me. Lately a lot of things have been hitting me.
Unfortunately I can’t risk to stay up any longer and actually write a blog but I will leave by saying; The element of surprise is a powerful tool.
Whether you are trying to get a girl to go to prom with you or even just trying to make someone smile, try using the element of surprise. It is a strong tool.
Love All,
GhanDEEP
Unfortunately I can’t risk to stay up any longer and actually write a blog but I will leave by saying; The element of surprise is a powerful tool.
Whether you are trying to get a girl to go to prom with you or even just trying to make someone smile, try using the element of surprise. It is a strong tool.
Love All,
GhanDEEP
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Image. As human beings, it is only natural for us to care about the way people view us. But is that the driving force, pushing me to act a certain way? Do I do certain things because of the way people will view me?
As much as I want to answer no, I know that deep down inside image is something meaningful to me- rendering and molding my every action.
I remember the good old days, after the days that girls had “cooties”, but before the days that everything got complicated- the good old days of middle school. It was a late night at my friend’s house and we had waited for his parents to go to sleep because somehow I had lied my way into renting the R-rated movie 8 Mile, Eminem’s journey from rags to riches. From when the movie began to when the movie ended, I laid, mouth open in awe, and studied Eminem as if he were my God. You could say that I wanted to be just like him- a “hardcore Gangster rapper”. That day forward, I wore the “ghetto” clothes and talked in the “ghetto” all so that people could view me as “ghetto”. It was my image that drove me to do this.
Fortunately, I grew out of this stage and moved on to other “images” that better fit me. So why is that image matters so much to me? Better yet, in general, why do we as human beings care so much about the way people view us?
The problem is apparent. Millions of girls are anorexic, refusing to eat because they don’t want to be “fat”. When in reality, they are all beautiful. Millions of people shop at only certain stores, despite the outrageous prices because they want to be”in”. When in reality, they can purchase three other shirts for the price of that one shirt. I know I have no right to judge because I too am sucked in this worldwide problem.
I thought about it a lot. People go to extreme measures to fix an acceptable image so that society can accept them, so that they won’t be lonely, so that they will have girls or guys “checking them out” the next time they go to the movies.
The irony is, true friendships and relationships are built when we look beyond the brands of clothing.They are built when we search the within each others’ hearts to see God’s beauty within. I believe that all people are similar in a way that we are all sinners but we are also all different in way that God gave each and every one of us a certain diamond- each diamond rendered and molded in different ways. These diamonds rest deep within the tissues and veins of our hearts. They can be only be found if you search for them. You have to search and flash the light at the diamond in order that the reflections of light reveal its location- also revealing the beauty of our creator.
True friendships are made when we discover each other’s diamonds.
Ps: Thanks to all who have been there for me. Thanks to all who have dealt with me despite being a failure. Thanks to all who have found my diamond and continue to believe in me. This one goes to those people I call my true friends.
Quick shout outs to my other two stooges(who will probably never read this LOL), to f14 (my source of inspiration when it comes to brotherhood), to my sisters who have always been there for me(Hannah and Gina), to the man who thinks I suck at basketball(Sterling, brother, remember brotherhood can never be broken and family for life), to the Asian Ronnie Coleman (Simon, God is with you at all times),to my friend who happens to share the same name (Aric, keep it up your an inspiration to many, to my Spanish amigo (Christopher, be good brother!), and finally to my parents who love me no matter what. :D
Love all,
GhanDEEP
As much as I want to answer no, I know that deep down inside image is something meaningful to me- rendering and molding my every action.
I remember the good old days, after the days that girls had “cooties”, but before the days that everything got complicated- the good old days of middle school. It was a late night at my friend’s house and we had waited for his parents to go to sleep because somehow I had lied my way into renting the R-rated movie 8 Mile, Eminem’s journey from rags to riches. From when the movie began to when the movie ended, I laid, mouth open in awe, and studied Eminem as if he were my God. You could say that I wanted to be just like him- a “hardcore Gangster rapper”. That day forward, I wore the “ghetto” clothes and talked in the “ghetto” all so that people could view me as “ghetto”. It was my image that drove me to do this.
Fortunately, I grew out of this stage and moved on to other “images” that better fit me. So why is that image matters so much to me? Better yet, in general, why do we as human beings care so much about the way people view us?
The problem is apparent. Millions of girls are anorexic, refusing to eat because they don’t want to be “fat”. When in reality, they are all beautiful. Millions of people shop at only certain stores, despite the outrageous prices because they want to be”in”. When in reality, they can purchase three other shirts for the price of that one shirt. I know I have no right to judge because I too am sucked in this worldwide problem.
I thought about it a lot. People go to extreme measures to fix an acceptable image so that society can accept them, so that they won’t be lonely, so that they will have girls or guys “checking them out” the next time they go to the movies.
The irony is, true friendships and relationships are built when we look beyond the brands of clothing.They are built when we search the within each others’ hearts to see God’s beauty within. I believe that all people are similar in a way that we are all sinners but we are also all different in way that God gave each and every one of us a certain diamond- each diamond rendered and molded in different ways. These diamonds rest deep within the tissues and veins of our hearts. They can be only be found if you search for them. You have to search and flash the light at the diamond in order that the reflections of light reveal its location- also revealing the beauty of our creator.
True friendships are made when we discover each other’s diamonds.
Ps: Thanks to all who have been there for me. Thanks to all who have dealt with me despite being a failure. Thanks to all who have found my diamond and continue to believe in me. This one goes to those people I call my true friends.
Quick shout outs to my other two stooges(who will probably never read this LOL), to f14 (my source of inspiration when it comes to brotherhood), to my sisters who have always been there for me(Hannah and Gina), to the man who thinks I suck at basketball(Sterling, brother, remember brotherhood can never be broken and family for life), to the Asian Ronnie Coleman (Simon, God is with you at all times),to my friend who happens to share the same name (Aric, keep it up your an inspiration to many, to my Spanish amigo (Christopher, be good brother!), and finally to my parents who love me no matter what. :D
Love all,
GhanDEEP
Friday, March 13, 2009
Life Goes On
How many brothers fell victim to the streets
Rest in peace young nigga, there’s a Heaven for a G
Be a lie, if I told ya that I never thought of death
My nigga, we the last ones left
But life goes on
The famous lyrics to Tupac’s Life Goes On, a hit rap single, is a favorite to many, a top karaoke song, and to some, a source of inspiration- Yes, an inspiration.
My entire life, I have chased after everything and anything I’ve ever wanted. I remember in third grade, my mother and I went to the store and a sparkling cookie cutter caught my attention. I begged and plead for it but as typical as Korean mothers are, she stubbornly refused. As determined as I was, I secretly snuck the star shaped cookie cutter in my pocket and eventually walked out of the store- proving that my desires and wants over power my morals.
God bless, that God continues to provide to such a selfish human being as I. But recently, I saw things in a different vision- a vision that wasn’t centered on my wants or desires. In fact, I have had these visions before but never mustered enough will power and self discipline to actually act upon them; that is until today.
Honestly, it is something I feel like I will regret in the future but something inside of me tells me that I’ll be alright and life will go on.
There are times in life when things don’t go your way, or times when you have to sacrifice your own desires. In these times, allow that catchy Tupac song to ring through your head- Life Goes On. Better things will come in the future and God will always look after you. That’s a promise.
love all,
GhanDEEP
Rest in peace young nigga, there’s a Heaven for a G
Be a lie, if I told ya that I never thought of death
My nigga, we the last ones left
But life goes on
The famous lyrics to Tupac’s Life Goes On, a hit rap single, is a favorite to many, a top karaoke song, and to some, a source of inspiration- Yes, an inspiration.
My entire life, I have chased after everything and anything I’ve ever wanted. I remember in third grade, my mother and I went to the store and a sparkling cookie cutter caught my attention. I begged and plead for it but as typical as Korean mothers are, she stubbornly refused. As determined as I was, I secretly snuck the star shaped cookie cutter in my pocket and eventually walked out of the store- proving that my desires and wants over power my morals.
God bless, that God continues to provide to such a selfish human being as I. But recently, I saw things in a different vision- a vision that wasn’t centered on my wants or desires. In fact, I have had these visions before but never mustered enough will power and self discipline to actually act upon them; that is until today.
Honestly, it is something I feel like I will regret in the future but something inside of me tells me that I’ll be alright and life will go on.
There are times in life when things don’t go your way, or times when you have to sacrifice your own desires. In these times, allow that catchy Tupac song to ring through your head- Life Goes On. Better things will come in the future and God will always look after you. That’s a promise.
love all,
GhanDEEP
Thursday, March 12, 2009
Sore Losers
Hello people!
This entry will be short and simple.
What do you do to sore losers?
Look at them with a nice big smile, and show your pearly whites. Then walk away with your chin held high, chest prompted out, and arms fixed on your hips. Enjoy your victory and prepare for the another battle because sore losers cant accept losing.
The devil is a sore loser.
Love all,
GhanDEEP
This entry will be short and simple.
What do you do to sore losers?
Look at them with a nice big smile, and show your pearly whites. Then walk away with your chin held high, chest prompted out, and arms fixed on your hips. Enjoy your victory and prepare for the another battle because sore losers cant accept losing.
The devil is a sore loser.
Love all,
GhanDEEP
Friday, March 6, 2009
Conquer
I sat there, patiently waiting and periodically checking my phone. I had carefully chosen my outfit- something not too intricate but also not too simple, something mediating between the two.
The phone rang. “I’m here”, she spoke with a tender childish voice. My anticipation for filled at last. I sprinted down the stairs, sat in the car, and drove away before my father could ask where I was going. I was going to a happy place. It wasn’t the location that brought me joy instead it was who I was going with that made me crack a smile and warmed my heart.
Time had passed. I found myself sitting on a platform. My pants were wet because of a late afternoon morning dew but I didn’t care. Arms were linked and her head rested on my narrow shoulders. Avoiding eye contact, we looked up in the dark clear sky- the stars sparkled. The moon light casted a shadow, causing our dangling legs to look narrow and lanky. You could say, it was a fairy tale but soon reality would hit.
I thought to myself, “What do I fear?” Spiders? Monsters? Physical pain? Failure?
The answer is none of the above. I fear that this event that means so much to me will mean nothing to you. I fear that you will be reading this and will chuckle, laughing at my sensitivity. I fear that I mean nothing to you.
People will say that this note is nothing more than desperation shot but I beg to differ. This note, this blog, this entry, is my way of overcoming, defeating, and conquering my fear. After all, the only thing to fear is fear itself.
Everyone has fears or problems but unless you muster up enough courage to present them in front of the public view, you haven’t truly conquered them.
Love,
ghanDEEP
The phone rang. “I’m here”, she spoke with a tender childish voice. My anticipation for filled at last. I sprinted down the stairs, sat in the car, and drove away before my father could ask where I was going. I was going to a happy place. It wasn’t the location that brought me joy instead it was who I was going with that made me crack a smile and warmed my heart.
Time had passed. I found myself sitting on a platform. My pants were wet because of a late afternoon morning dew but I didn’t care. Arms were linked and her head rested on my narrow shoulders. Avoiding eye contact, we looked up in the dark clear sky- the stars sparkled. The moon light casted a shadow, causing our dangling legs to look narrow and lanky. You could say, it was a fairy tale but soon reality would hit.
I thought to myself, “What do I fear?” Spiders? Monsters? Physical pain? Failure?
The answer is none of the above. I fear that this event that means so much to me will mean nothing to you. I fear that you will be reading this and will chuckle, laughing at my sensitivity. I fear that I mean nothing to you.
People will say that this note is nothing more than desperation shot but I beg to differ. This note, this blog, this entry, is my way of overcoming, defeating, and conquering my fear. After all, the only thing to fear is fear itself.
Everyone has fears or problems but unless you muster up enough courage to present them in front of the public view, you haven’t truly conquered them.
Love,
ghanDEEP
Sunday, March 1, 2009
The Road
It's currently 4:37 a.m. I had a hard time sleeping so I decided I would write this one blog that has been on my mind but I am really tired so this blog wasn't written as well as I wanted it to be. So look out for a revised version later on but for now enjoy :D
O and before I forget, quick shout outs to AUDREY JEON. Umm shes pretty cool and shes nice. Get to know her!
Homeless dogs and cats roamed, searching a hand to be petted by. Mice were sniffing and creeping along the cracked sidewalks, searching for their next meal. All inhabitants were searching- all except for me. I sat there, on the bench, staring into the other side. Others sat beside me- they too were searching. Did I mention these “others’’ are either crippled or blind? In simple terms, they are lost without a sense of direction. So why am I with them? I am a functioning body.
I sit here with them because I am too weak, making me also lost without a sense of direction.
I can’t stop. For years now, I’ve been sitting here doing absolutely nothing besides staring into the other side, only hoping and dreaming.
Between the two sides lays a cement paved road where the cars seems larger than life, where the vroom’s of the engines deafen every ear, and where the smog of the exhaust pipes blind every eye. These cars travel on this road every day, every minute, every second, making it impossible for me to cross.
Unlike the peers around me, I am more pathetic because I obtain the legs to cross but I lack the confidence and the courage to actually try. From a realistic point of view, I am too weak.
I’ve seen people do it before. They crossed the road by simply pushing a button and waiting for a green hand to appear. Then all the cars stop and wait for them to cross. These people inspire me. Why can’t I just press the button?
Maybe, God gave me legs not so I can simply cross the road but so I can to realize that there are people out there, in this world, in this country, in this state, in this county, in the bench that I am sitting on, that don’t have what I have. These people unfortunately are born without legs, or born without the ability to see. Maybe I’m suppose have these legs, and at the same time be weak, in order that I sit alongside this unfortunate people and get to know who they are and soon enough, call them my brothers. But there’s a time when I have to muster enough strength to cross this road, not by myself, but with a crippled brother in my arms, or even leading a blind man across. I may have to make several trips back and forth but just maybe, that’s why I’m here. Maybe that’s my destiny.
Now the question is: will I have enough dedication and will power to for fill my destiny?
O and before I forget, quick shout outs to AUDREY JEON. Umm shes pretty cool and shes nice. Get to know her!
Homeless dogs and cats roamed, searching a hand to be petted by. Mice were sniffing and creeping along the cracked sidewalks, searching for their next meal. All inhabitants were searching- all except for me. I sat there, on the bench, staring into the other side. Others sat beside me- they too were searching. Did I mention these “others’’ are either crippled or blind? In simple terms, they are lost without a sense of direction. So why am I with them? I am a functioning body.
I sit here with them because I am too weak, making me also lost without a sense of direction.
I can’t stop. For years now, I’ve been sitting here doing absolutely nothing besides staring into the other side, only hoping and dreaming.
Between the two sides lays a cement paved road where the cars seems larger than life, where the vroom’s of the engines deafen every ear, and where the smog of the exhaust pipes blind every eye. These cars travel on this road every day, every minute, every second, making it impossible for me to cross.
Unlike the peers around me, I am more pathetic because I obtain the legs to cross but I lack the confidence and the courage to actually try. From a realistic point of view, I am too weak.
I’ve seen people do it before. They crossed the road by simply pushing a button and waiting for a green hand to appear. Then all the cars stop and wait for them to cross. These people inspire me. Why can’t I just press the button?
Maybe, God gave me legs not so I can simply cross the road but so I can to realize that there are people out there, in this world, in this country, in this state, in this county, in the bench that I am sitting on, that don’t have what I have. These people unfortunately are born without legs, or born without the ability to see. Maybe I’m suppose have these legs, and at the same time be weak, in order that I sit alongside this unfortunate people and get to know who they are and soon enough, call them my brothers. But there’s a time when I have to muster enough strength to cross this road, not by myself, but with a crippled brother in my arms, or even leading a blind man across. I may have to make several trips back and forth but just maybe, that’s why I’m here. Maybe that’s my destiny.
Now the question is: will I have enough dedication and will power to for fill my destiny?
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